Searching Ends -- Again

After spending too much money for searching on my own (through the internet) for my B-mother, my cousin and I hired an investigator who was highly recommended by a law firm. After several days of searching, she did not find anything new. She did say, "Some people do not want to be found." I am beginning to think that her Social Security number is probably being fraudulently used -- thus the reason she would appear to be alive.

Searching for birth mothers (or fathers) is an emotional drain. I have read many stories of adoptees who have become distraught because of the search. Why do some adoptees want to find out all they can about their past and others seem to care less? I think there comes a time in every adoptee's life that they want to find out more about their past. Some overcome the urge and go on with their lives. Others surrcome to the longing to find out more. This longing is similar to retirees who spend hours putting together their family tree.

My quest for finding my b-mother was not so I could have an emotional made-for-TV reunion. I am more information driven. I have many questions that will probably never get answered. That is okay. Most people's lives are full of family secrets and unexplained behaviors.

My "real" mom, is a wonderful person. She took in four children who would be considered level 4-5 (1 being without much trauma and 6 being severely challenged) children in foster care. It would be unheard of now for children with our background not to have case workers, therapists, and other professionals involved. There would be home studies and training. My three older a-sisters would have been interviewed and prepared for what was about to happen. In spite of none of this being done, my mom did her best, took care of four starving, abused children and gave us a home. More than likely, if the Barnett's hadn't took us in, the four of us would have been split up or we would have gone back into an orphanage and probably have aged out of the foster care system.

For now, I am tired of searching. If a lead presents itself, I will probably run with it until I come to another wall. My life is complete without ever finding her. I have been blessed with a wonderful family. Also, my b-cousin Linda, (my b-mom's niece) has been a blessing in our lives since she found us about seven years ago. Her life is a beautiful example of resiliency and God's grace.

"God sets the lonely in families." My friend Shefalie reminded me of this. God has set me in many families in my life time. Maybe it was to teach me more about what is a real family. I am definitely blessed to have an incredible and beautiful wife-- Phyllis, and three beautiful children -- Matthew, Melissa, and Michael!