Forgiveness and Resiliency

Forgiveness is an essential element in living a resilient life. When Peter asked Jesus how many times we should forgive someone, Jesus said, "Seventy times seven." The equation in Jesus math doesn't equal 490, it equals unlimited forgiveness. Jesus calls us to live a life of forgiving. He gives us grace, and we extend grace to others. Forgiveness is a touchy subject for some because they do not understand what forgiveness really means.

There are two great books on forgiveness. Forgive for Good by Dr. Fred Luskin and the classic by Lewis Smedes: Forgive and Forget. The following is from each of these great books.

Lewis Smedes quotes on forgiveness:

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future."

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."

"You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well."

"It takes one person to forgive, it takes two people to be reunited."

"When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it."

Nine Steps to Forgiveness by Dr. Fred Luskin, Ph.D.

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that upset you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”
4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or ten years –ago.

5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.
6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life , that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you.

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.