The Special Needs of an Adoptee

Sherrie Eldridge is one of my heroes. She started the organization, Adoption Jewels, after her children were grown. Her website and books are a wealth of information. If you know someone who has been touched by adoption, email this blog.

THE SPECIAL NEEDS OF AN ADOPTEE
by Sherrie Eldridge

I NEED TO BE TAUGHT THAT I HAVE SPECIAL NEEDS ARISING FROM ADOPTION LOSS, OF WHICH I NEED NOT BE ASHAMED.

Emotional Needs:

I need help in recognizing my adoption loss and help with grieving it.
I need to be assured that my birth parent's decision not to parent me had nothing to do with anything defective in me.
Ineed help in learning how to deal with my fears of rejection-to learn that absence doesn't mean abandonment or a closed door to an opportunity that I have done something wrong.
I need permission to express ALL my adoption feelings and fantasies.

Educational Needs:

I need to be taught that adoption is both wonderful and painful, presenting life-long challenges for everyone involved
I need to know my adoption story first, then my birth story and birth history.
I need to be taught healthy ways for getting needs met.
I need to be taught that others may make hurtful comments about adoption and about me as adoptee.
I need to be taught that the hurtful words are usually well-intentioned and borne out of ignorance.
I need to be taught specific ways to respond, in order to take my power back and not feel victimized. (Suggestion: The Wise-Up Workbook, by Marilyn Schoettle, M.Ed.)

Validation Needs:

I need validation of my dual heritage (biological and adoptive families).
I need to be assured often that I am welcome and worthy.
I need to be reminded often by my adoptive parents that they delight in my biological differences.
I need to know that my adoptive parents appreciate and honor my birth family.

Parental Needs:

I need parents that are skillful in meeting their own emotional needs so that I can grow up with healthy role models and be free to focus on my development, rather taking care of them. (by Connie Dawson, LPC)
I need parents that are skillful in meeting their own emotional needs so that I can grow up with healthy role models and be free to focus on my development, rather taking care of them. (by Connie Dawson, LPC)
I need to hear my parents openly express feelings about infertility and adoption, thus producing a bond of intimacy between us.
I need parents who have grieved their own losses, such as infertility, miscarriage, death of a child, etc., so that they can be emotionally available for me. This is one of the greatest gifts they could give me.
I need a non-competitive attitude between adoptive and birth parents. Without this, I will struggle with loyalty issues.

Relationship Needs:

I need friendships with fellow adoptees.
I need friendships with fellow adoptees.
I need to be assured often that if I am rejected by my birth relatives, it is symptomatic of their dysfunction, not mine.

Spiritual Needs:

I need to be taught that my life narrative began in eternity past-in the heart of God.
I need to be taught that God created me to have an intimate relationship with Him through Jesus Christ.
I need to be taught that God forms families through birth and through adoption.
I need to be taught God's opinion of me-a jewel among jewels.
I need to accept the fact that some of my adoption questions may never be answered this side of heaven (Deuteronomy 29:29).


Copyright © 2005 Sherrie Eldridge