[This post is a continuation of the series on fatherhood.]
What was it like for my father to lose his grandfather and then his father within a few months? That would have been a great conversation to have. I don't know much about his grandfather (my great grandfather), however, I do know that his father would "go on and off the wagon," as my father wrote about when he was in the Army. Losing a father is one of the great losses of life. Neil Chethik, in his book, FatherLoss, says: "Sigmund Freud called it 'the most poignant loss' of his life. Actor Sean Connery termed it 'a shattering blow.' Writer Norman Mailer likened it to 'having a hole in your tooth. It's a pain that can never be filled.'"
What was the impact of losing a grandfather and a father a few months apart? What kind of relationship did my father have with his father? I have no idea, but I know that these deaths most likely contributed to his depression, that may have contributed to his death.
About Me
- David Michael
- Katy, Texas, United States
- Being a husband and a father is the greatest blessing in my life. I am also a Special Educator to students with an autism spectrum disorder.
3 comments:
My father was a rare source of unconditional love in my life. When he introduced me to people, he would say,"This is MY daughter" (never "this is my daughter who does such and such" like my mom). Being his daughter was all that mattered.
Dad died when I was 31, but it was the most awful thing I have ever gone through. That total acceptance left my life. Seeing Father's Day cards in the store and realizing I have no reason to buy one can still make me teary-eyed, even after 17 years.
Dee and Carol,
Good fathering stories are very powerful! It is sad to say that positive stories about father relationships are usually the exception. Thank you for sharing!
Hey there! I got here via another blog that had "foster care" and "adoption" as interests, as did yours, as well as older child adoption. I am an infertile single woman looking to adopt, probably domestically which will likely mean older child. I started reading your blog, and then went to June 5 as you suggest. I am sorry you lost your father, and then your mom and other family so young. One thing about losing a parent young though, is that if there wasn't abuse (as with your aunt) you don't have a full picture... I am glad yours is of strong loving hands. I only wish my memories of my father were limited to such positive ones. How will I feel when my father dies. At one point I was not speaking to my father. There was guilt in that I felt that if I had news of his impending death, I would not travel to see him. Now I would probably. But at the same time I would probably feel relief. I hate to say but the people you cite were men who put a lot of weight on fatherhood. Yes, fatherhood SHOULD have a lot of weight, but sometimes (like your aunt) it is negative weight. I am much like my father. In positive ways and in many negative ways. I have very ambivalent feelings, but just last summer I had to ask him to leave my home as he was being verbally and emotionally very difficult again. I still speak to him on the phone, but my energy for telling him how he impacts me is gone. For years I thought that it would help. Now it seems that any disatisfaction on my part with his behaviour boomerangs back to me from him as "you are always disatisfied.... you really have problems", and so I don't even want to address it.
If he dies. I will cry for the father who held me on his knee, who taught me to do square roots, who held my hand and skipped with me, who helped fix my house. And I will cry for the father who undermined my self-estime, my confidence, who helped turn an outgoing friendly girl to a shy socially self-conscious one. I will cry to have had that father. And I will also cry with relief that it is no longer an issue and he will not again do me harm. I hate to say, but when I imagine it I feel a freedom to be myself and a weight off my shoulders.
Thankyou for a thoughtful, thoughtprovoking and touching blog.
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